Nowhere to be found

In the bink of an eye everything changed
My heart has been rearranged
What happened to everything
Nothing is what it seems

Never thought this could happen
Never thought it could last this long

How'd we get here
How'd we get so far from who we are
I will always hold you so dear
How'd we get here
With everything lost
Nowhere to be found

I turned around and my heart broke
Tears streaming so hard, I'm about to choke
Lost someone so precious to me
Why can't you see what this is doing to me

Never thought this could happen
Never thought it could last this long

How'd we get here
How'd we get so far from who we are
I will always hold you so dear
How'd we get here
With everything lost
Nowhere to be found

Can we build a time machine
And go back to where everything feels real
Here nothing is as it seems
It's worse than bad dreams

Never thought this could happen
Never thought it could last this long

How'd we get here
How'd we get so far from who we are
I will always hold you so dear
How'd we get here
With everything lost
Nowhere to be found

How'd we get here
With everything lost
Nowhere to be found
Nowhere to be found

How do you move forward?

Do you have someone in your life that means so much? Like there is no way to describe how much they mean to you. Even if it's family, a friend or a lover, there is just no way to put it in words, what they mean to you.

So what if this person decided they no longer want to be in your life because someone told them countless lies? Where do you go from there? How do you get them to see the truth? What do you do?

I'm not sure how to get through this in one complete piece. My heart breaks more and more as the days pass. It's been more than a year of this feeling. Though some will only see it as only eight-ish months, but the truth is that it's been like this for a lot longer than that and it's hard for me. As I'm sure it's hard for everyone involved with this situation, but it's crushing me with how hard it is. I've always been very sensitive and because of that I can't move on knowing that she doesn't want anything to do with us unless we accept her decisions.

I can't.  Not because I don't want her to be happy. I do, she deserves to be happy. But because of how she did things and all the lies and deceit that came with those decisions. All the pain she put someone special through, and it's someone that should never have had that happen to them.

She believes all the lies she's been told. Now everything that is said to her from us, she sees as lies. She thinks we all took sides,  but she doesn't see that there is no benefit in that. If I chose her, I would lose one of the most important persons in my life, but it goes both ways, I would lose her  (she's just as important) if I had chosen the other side. Though I didn't actually choose sides, I still lost her. I still lost a part of me when she decided that she doesn't believe me.

Somehow now whenever we talk it seems like it's superficial.  Like an obligation as opposed to being truthfully genuine.  Though she can't see the pain that grips my heart when I see her name, I know that I love her no matter what. I miss her everyday. I don't know if she understands the pain that I have endured knowing she doesn't want to know the whole truth, that she has turned a blind eye.

Things will never be the same after this. There will always be a lingering presence of this whole ordeal. I just hope it won't last much longer. Because this whole thing is slowly killing me.

Where do I go from here?

Four Days

I sat down for the first time today
I thought about your call
The sound of your voice, it hurts
Talked about nothing at all
You couldn't see the pain in my eyes
As we said our goodbyes

It's been four days since that call
Four days since I heard your voice
Four days of agonizing pain
Four days of countless lies
It's a shame I can't believe you at all

I wish there was a way to move on
I wish you weren't gone
'Cause I can't stop missing you at all
My heart's hollow from the superficial words
They were so shallow it's absurd
It's so sad, things'll never be the same

It's been four days since that call
Four days since I heard your voice
Four days of agonizing pain
Four days of countless lies
It's a shame I can't believe you at all

It's been 11 months since I lost you
I can't really believe it's true
Gone are the days of laughter
All we are left with are the lies
It's a shame how time flies
After all this time, it's hard to believe we'll survive

It's been four days since that call
Four days since I heard your voice
Four days of agonizing pain
Four days of countless lies
It's a shame I can't believe you at all

I'm so lost, can't hide from the pain
Nothing will ever be the same
I wish we weren't this way
I wish you were here, not so far away
I just want to go back
Change all that was said

It's been four days since that call
Four days since I heard your voice
Four days of agonizing pain
Four days of countless lies
It's a shame I can't believe you at all

Take a deep breath, it will all be okay
Maybe not now, not today, but someday
We'll get past this, with our hearts still intact
It won't be broken, just some cracks and bruises
Because of this, in the end everyone loses
Let's live for someday, Let's live for someday

It's been four days since that call
Four days since I heard your voice
Four days of endless hope
Four days of trying to justify
Your reasons for our fall but I can't at all

It's a shame I can't believe you at all
There's too many lies, too many sad goodbyes
You've made your choice, it's not okay
But I'll live for someday. it's better than today

Letting You Go

My heart pounds, my hands shake
Fear has me in it's grip
It's not something I can fix
Still can't believe I put us here

I try to scream and shout
But nothing comes out

Here the days stay the same
It's like my brain is on replay
It's the same scene, over and over
And finally the tears flow
As I replay letting you go

There's things I wish I hadn't said
There's things I truly regret
That I wish you would forget
Oh, how I wish we could go back

I try to scream and shout
But nothing's coming out

Here the days stay the same
I see your heart breaking
And I'm still sinking
And finally the tears flow
As I replay letting you go

I never meant to bring you pain
Now I can't remember the words I said
I try so hard, I try to go back
To Erase that devastation again

I try to scream and shout
But there's nothing comin' out

Here the days stay the same
I can't seem to remember why I let you go
The scene plays out on replay
But all I see is your pain
And finally the tears flow
As I recall letting you go

Letting you go
Wishing I never let you go
I'm sorry for your pain
Things'll never be the same again
Because I had to let you go

The words I need to say

my heart beats rapidly in my chest
my eyes can't see see past the promises
my hopes fall behind this wall
I can't seem to break down

The words are there at the tip of my tongue
Afraid to be voiced for I know what they'll do

The words I need to say
They won't ever be enough
They will never get through
I need you to hear the truth

This is what I need you to know

I hide within myself
self preservation at it's finest
I keep it all locked away
knowing you'll never understand why

The words are there at the tip of my tongue
Afraid to be voiced for I know what they'll do

The words I need to say
They won't ever be enough
They will never get through
I need you to hear the truth
This is what I need you to know

Never knew you to be this way

I can't recall it ever being like this
How'd we get to this place?
Was it something I said?
Or something you did?

How'd we get here?
Because I really don't know

Never knew you to be this way
Taking yourself away
Are you better off?
Cause I'm not so sure
How could you be so cold?

All our memories are tainted
Childhood games no longer have a place
Who knew growing up, that'd be the case
Never could have imagined we'd end up like this

How'd we get here?
Because I really don't know

Never knew you to be this way
Taking yourself away
Are you better off?
Cause I'm not so sure
How could you be so cold?

It's hard to remember
How it was before
All hell broke loose
How could you actually choose?

The day you understand
It'll be too late
Tragedy already struck

How'd we get here?
Because I really don't know

Never knew you to be this way
Taking yourself away
Are you better off?
Cause I'm not so sure
How could you be so cold?

It's not supposed to be like this
It's hard to believe it actually is
I never let my tears fall
Because I know you don't care at all

As the time goes by
Everything seems like a lie
How can that be?
Why'd you have to leave

How'd we get here?
How'd we get here?
How'd we get here?
I never knew you to be this way
Never knew you to be this way
You to be this way

Hardest Part

I'm not completely sure how we wound up here. In all honesty I can't remember much at all. It's scary trying to pinpoint the moment that you decided you no longer cared. Was it easy?

What was the hardest part? Was it letting go? Was it the decision?

Here's the hardest part:

Waking up is the hardest part.

Missing you is the hardest part.

Not understanding is the hardest part.

The lies are the hardest part.

The deceit is the hardest part.

The betrayal is the hardest part.

Reality is the hardest part.

The wondering is the hardest part.

Life without you is the hardest part.

Worrying is the hardest part.

The memories are the hardest part.

The days apart are the hardest part.

The sadness is the hardest part. 

The pain is the hardest part.

Everything and Everyday are the hardest part.

So let me ask you this. Is it worth it?