Four Days

I sat down for the first time today
I thought about your call
The sound of your voice, it hurts
Talked about nothing at all
You couldn't see the pain in my eyes
As we said our goodbyes

It's been four days since that call
Four days since I heard your voice
Four days of agonizing pain
Four days of countless lies
It's a shame I can't believe you at all

I wish there was a way to move on
I wish you weren't gone
'Cause I can't stop missing you at all
My heart's hollow from the superficial words
They were so shallow it's absurd
It's so sad, things'll never be the same

It's been four days since that call
Four days since I heard your voice
Four days of agonizing pain
Four days of countless lies
It's a shame I can't believe you at all

It's been 11 months since I lost you
I can't really believe it's true
Gone are the days of laughter
All we are left with are the lies
It's a shame how time flies
After all this time, it's hard to believe we'll survive

It's been four days since that call
Four days since I heard your voice
Four days of agonizing pain
Four days of countless lies
It's a shame I can't believe you at all

I'm so lost, can't hide from the pain
Nothing will ever be the same
I wish we weren't this way
I wish you were here, not so far away
I just want to go back
Change all that was said

It's been four days since that call
Four days since I heard your voice
Four days of agonizing pain
Four days of countless lies
It's a shame I can't believe you at all

Take a deep breath, it will all be okay
Maybe not now, not today, but someday
We'll get past this, with our hearts still intact
It won't be broken, just some cracks and bruises
Because of this, in the end everyone loses
Let's live for someday, Let's live for someday

It's been four days since that call
Four days since I heard your voice
Four days of endless hope
Four days of trying to justify
Your reasons for our fall but I can't at all

It's a shame I can't believe you at all
There's too many lies, too many sad goodbyes
You've made your choice, it's not okay
But I'll live for someday. it's better than today

Letting You Go

My heart pounds, my hands shake
Fear has me in it's grip
It's not something I can fix
Still can't believe I put us here

I try to scream and shout
But nothing comes out

Here the days stay the same
It's like my brain is on replay
It's the same scene, over and over
And finally the tears flow
As I replay letting you go

There's things I wish I hadn't said
There's things I truly regret
That I wish you would forget
Oh, how I wish we could go back

I try to scream and shout
But nothing's coming out

Here the days stay the same
I see your heart breaking
And I'm still sinking
And finally the tears flow
As I replay letting you go

I never meant to bring you pain
Now I can't remember the words I said
I try so hard, I try to go back
To Erase that devastation again

I try to scream and shout
But there's nothing comin' out

Here the days stay the same
I can't seem to remember why I let you go
The scene plays out on replay
But all I see is your pain
And finally the tears flow
As I recall letting you go

Letting you go
Wishing I never let you go
I'm sorry for your pain
Things'll never be the same again
Because I had to let you go

The words I need to say

my heart beats rapidly in my chest
my eyes can't see see past the promises
my hopes fall behind this wall
I can't seem to break down

The words are there at the tip of my tongue
Afraid to be voiced for I know what they'll do

The words I need to say
They won't ever be enough
They will never get through
I need you to hear the truth

This is what I need you to know

I hide within myself
self preservation at it's finest
I keep it all locked away
knowing you'll never understand why

The words are there at the tip of my tongue
Afraid to be voiced for I know what they'll do

The words I need to say
They won't ever be enough
They will never get through
I need you to hear the truth
This is what I need you to know

Never knew you to be this way

I can't recall it ever being like this
How'd we get to this place?
Was it something I said?
Or something you did?

How'd we get here?
Because I really don't know

Never knew you to be this way
Taking yourself away
Are you better off?
Cause I'm not so sure
How could you be so cold?

All our memories are tainted
Childhood games no longer have a place
Who knew growing up, that'd be the case
Never could have imagined we'd end up like this

How'd we get here?
Because I really don't know

Never knew you to be this way
Taking yourself away
Are you better off?
Cause I'm not so sure
How could you be so cold?

It's hard to remember
How it was before
All hell broke loose
How could you actually choose?

The day you understand
It'll be too late
Tragedy already struck

How'd we get here?
Because I really don't know

Never knew you to be this way
Taking yourself away
Are you better off?
Cause I'm not so sure
How could you be so cold?

It's not supposed to be like this
It's hard to believe it actually is
I never let my tears fall
Because I know you don't care at all

As the time goes by
Everything seems like a lie
How can that be?
Why'd you have to leave

How'd we get here?
How'd we get here?
How'd we get here?
I never knew you to be this way
Never knew you to be this way
You to be this way

Hardest Part

I'm not completely sure how we wound up here. In all honesty I can't remember much at all. It's scary trying to pinpoint the moment that you decided you no longer cared. Was it easy?

What was the hardest part? Was it letting go? Was it the decision?

Here's the hardest part:

Waking up is the hardest part.

Missing you is the hardest part.

Not understanding is the hardest part.

The lies are the hardest part.

The deceit is the hardest part.

The betrayal is the hardest part.

Reality is the hardest part.

The wondering is the hardest part.

Life without you is the hardest part.

Worrying is the hardest part.

The memories are the hardest part.

The days apart are the hardest part.

The sadness is the hardest part. 

The pain is the hardest part.

Everything and Everyday are the hardest part.

So let me ask you this. Is it worth it?

I dwell on it...

It hurts. Sometimes I forget. Then other times I dwell on it. This isn't easy.

The days no one asks are the easiest. The days your name comes up, brings out the anger, the sadness and disbelief. The days after brings it all back, the pain, the agony and torture. 

How do we get past this? Where do we go from here? How do we move on?

Nothing will be the same. Too much damage to go back to the way things were before.

The days I miss you are the hardest. The days I remember are the saddest. I wish it was easy to truly forget. That it could be easy to forgive.

You were supposed to always be there for me. I've spent my whole life looking up to you. Never Imagined this is where we'd end up.

It hurts. Sometimes I forget. Then the other times I dwell on it. This will never be easy.

The Honest Truth

I hate being alone.  And not because I can't be alone but for the sheer fact that it terrifies me. The truth is that I prefer being alone in my room but have a house full of people. There is a comfort in knowing that there is someone there when and if you need them.

So for the first time in a very long time I am all alone for more than just a day/night. While that wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact I am in an unknown city with only my husband, who I will follow to the end of the earth. But I hate being alone while he is out training. The worst is at night when all the scary sounds come out truth and the mind plays tricks.

I have have been staying up until I can't stay awake anymore. Watching Netflix...

It won't always be this way but for now I will learn to not be afraid of being alone because my husband needs that from me.

With Honesty,
Kathleen Marie