Nowhere to be found

In the bink of an eye everything changed
My heart has been rearranged
What happened to everything
Nothing is what it seems

Never thought this could happen
Never thought it could last this long

How'd we get here
How'd we get so far from who we are
I will always hold you so dear
How'd we get here
With everything lost
Nowhere to be found

I turned around and my heart broke
Tears streaming so hard, I'm about to choke
Lost someone so precious to me
Why can't you see what this is doing to me

Never thought this could happen
Never thought it could last this long

How'd we get here
How'd we get so far from who we are
I will always hold you so dear
How'd we get here
With everything lost
Nowhere to be found

Can we build a time machine
And go back to where everything feels real
Here nothing is as it seems
It's worse than bad dreams

Never thought this could happen
Never thought it could last this long

How'd we get here
How'd we get so far from who we are
I will always hold you so dear
How'd we get here
With everything lost
Nowhere to be found

How'd we get here
With everything lost
Nowhere to be found
Nowhere to be found

How do you move forward?

Do you have someone in your life that means so much? Like there is no way to describe how much they mean to you. Even if it's family, a friend or a lover, there is just no way to put it in words, what they mean to you.

So what if this person decided they no longer want to be in your life because someone told them countless lies? Where do you go from there? How do you get them to see the truth? What do you do?

I'm not sure how to get through this in one complete piece. My heart breaks more and more as the days pass. It's been more than a year of this feeling. Though some will only see it as only eight-ish months, but the truth is that it's been like this for a lot longer than that and it's hard for me. As I'm sure it's hard for everyone involved with this situation, but it's crushing me with how hard it is. I've always been very sensitive and because of that I can't move on knowing that she doesn't want anything to do with us unless we accept her decisions.

I can't.  Not because I don't want her to be happy. I do, she deserves to be happy. But because of how she did things and all the lies and deceit that came with those decisions. All the pain she put someone special through, and it's someone that should never have had that happen to them.

She believes all the lies she's been told. Now everything that is said to her from us, she sees as lies. She thinks we all took sides,  but she doesn't see that there is no benefit in that. If I chose her, I would lose one of the most important persons in my life, but it goes both ways, I would lose her  (she's just as important) if I had chosen the other side. Though I didn't actually choose sides, I still lost her. I still lost a part of me when she decided that she doesn't believe me.

Somehow now whenever we talk it seems like it's superficial.  Like an obligation as opposed to being truthfully genuine.  Though she can't see the pain that grips my heart when I see her name, I know that I love her no matter what. I miss her everyday. I don't know if she understands the pain that I have endured knowing she doesn't want to know the whole truth, that she has turned a blind eye.

Things will never be the same after this. There will always be a lingering presence of this whole ordeal. I just hope it won't last much longer. Because this whole thing is slowly killing me.

Where do I go from here?

Four Days

I sat down for the first time today
I thought about your call
The sound of your voice, it hurts
Talked about nothing at all
You couldn't see the pain in my eyes
As we said our goodbyes

It's been four days since that call
Four days since I heard your voice
Four days of agonizing pain
Four days of countless lies
It's a shame I can't believe you at all

I wish there was a way to move on
I wish you weren't gone
'Cause I can't stop missing you at all
My heart's hollow from the superficial words
They were so shallow it's absurd
It's so sad, things'll never be the same

It's been four days since that call
Four days since I heard your voice
Four days of agonizing pain
Four days of countless lies
It's a shame I can't believe you at all

It's been 11 months since I lost you
I can't really believe it's true
Gone are the days of laughter
All we are left with are the lies
It's a shame how time flies
After all this time, it's hard to believe we'll survive

It's been four days since that call
Four days since I heard your voice
Four days of agonizing pain
Four days of countless lies
It's a shame I can't believe you at all

I'm so lost, can't hide from the pain
Nothing will ever be the same
I wish we weren't this way
I wish you were here, not so far away
I just want to go back
Change all that was said

It's been four days since that call
Four days since I heard your voice
Four days of agonizing pain
Four days of countless lies
It's a shame I can't believe you at all

Take a deep breath, it will all be okay
Maybe not now, not today, but someday
We'll get past this, with our hearts still intact
It won't be broken, just some cracks and bruises
Because of this, in the end everyone loses
Let's live for someday, Let's live for someday

It's been four days since that call
Four days since I heard your voice
Four days of endless hope
Four days of trying to justify
Your reasons for our fall but I can't at all

It's a shame I can't believe you at all
There's too many lies, too many sad goodbyes
You've made your choice, it's not okay
But I'll live for someday. it's better than today

Letting You Go

My heart pounds, my hands shake
Fear has me in it's grip
It's not something I can fix
Still can't believe I put us here

I try to scream and shout
But nothing comes out

Here the days stay the same
It's like my brain is on replay
It's the same scene, over and over
And finally the tears flow
As I replay letting you go

There's things I wish I hadn't said
There's things I truly regret
That I wish you would forget
Oh, how I wish we could go back

I try to scream and shout
But nothing's coming out

Here the days stay the same
I see your heart breaking
And I'm still sinking
And finally the tears flow
As I replay letting you go

I never meant to bring you pain
Now I can't remember the words I said
I try so hard, I try to go back
To Erase that devastation again

I try to scream and shout
But there's nothing comin' out

Here the days stay the same
I can't seem to remember why I let you go
The scene plays out on replay
But all I see is your pain
And finally the tears flow
As I recall letting you go

Letting you go
Wishing I never let you go
I'm sorry for your pain
Things'll never be the same again
Because I had to let you go

The words I need to say

my heart beats rapidly in my chest
my eyes can't see see past the promises
my hopes fall behind this wall
I can't seem to break down

The words are there at the tip of my tongue
Afraid to be voiced for I know what they'll do

The words I need to say
They won't ever be enough
They will never get through
I need you to hear the truth

This is what I need you to know

I hide within myself
self preservation at it's finest
I keep it all locked away
knowing you'll never understand why

The words are there at the tip of my tongue
Afraid to be voiced for I know what they'll do

The words I need to say
They won't ever be enough
They will never get through
I need you to hear the truth
This is what I need you to know

Never knew you to be this way

I can't recall it ever being like this
How'd we get to this place?
Was it something I said?
Or something you did?

How'd we get here?
Because I really don't know

Never knew you to be this way
Taking yourself away
Are you better off?
Cause I'm not so sure
How could you be so cold?

All our memories are tainted
Childhood games no longer have a place
Who knew growing up, that'd be the case
Never could have imagined we'd end up like this

How'd we get here?
Because I really don't know

Never knew you to be this way
Taking yourself away
Are you better off?
Cause I'm not so sure
How could you be so cold?

It's hard to remember
How it was before
All hell broke loose
How could you actually choose?

The day you understand
It'll be too late
Tragedy already struck

How'd we get here?
Because I really don't know

Never knew you to be this way
Taking yourself away
Are you better off?
Cause I'm not so sure
How could you be so cold?

It's not supposed to be like this
It's hard to believe it actually is
I never let my tears fall
Because I know you don't care at all

As the time goes by
Everything seems like a lie
How can that be?
Why'd you have to leave

How'd we get here?
How'd we get here?
How'd we get here?
I never knew you to be this way
Never knew you to be this way
You to be this way

Hardest Part

I'm not completely sure how we wound up here. In all honesty I can't remember much at all. It's scary trying to pinpoint the moment that you decided you no longer cared. Was it easy?

What was the hardest part? Was it letting go? Was it the decision?

Here's the hardest part:

Waking up is the hardest part.

Missing you is the hardest part.

Not understanding is the hardest part.

The lies are the hardest part.

The deceit is the hardest part.

The betrayal is the hardest part.

Reality is the hardest part.

The wondering is the hardest part.

Life without you is the hardest part.

Worrying is the hardest part.

The memories are the hardest part.

The days apart are the hardest part.

The sadness is the hardest part. 

The pain is the hardest part.

Everything and Everyday are the hardest part.

So let me ask you this. Is it worth it?

I dwell on it...

It hurts. Sometimes I forget. Then other times I dwell on it. This isn't easy.

The days no one asks are the easiest. The days your name comes up, brings out the anger, the sadness and disbelief. The days after brings it all back, the pain, the agony and torture. 

How do we get past this? Where do we go from here? How do we move on?

Nothing will be the same. Too much damage to go back to the way things were before.

The days I miss you are the hardest. The days I remember are the saddest. I wish it was easy to truly forget. That it could be easy to forgive.

You were supposed to always be there for me. I've spent my whole life looking up to you. Never Imagined this is where we'd end up.

It hurts. Sometimes I forget. Then the other times I dwell on it. This will never be easy.

The Honest Truth

I hate being alone.  And not because I can't be alone but for the sheer fact that it terrifies me. The truth is that I prefer being alone in my room but have a house full of people. There is a comfort in knowing that there is someone there when and if you need them.

So for the first time in a very long time I am all alone for more than just a day/night. While that wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact I am in an unknown city with only my husband, who I will follow to the end of the earth. But I hate being alone while he is out training. The worst is at night when all the scary sounds come out truth and the mind plays tricks.

I have have been staying up until I can't stay awake anymore. Watching Netflix...

It won't always be this way but for now I will learn to not be afraid of being alone because my husband needs that from me.

With Honesty,
Kathleen Marie

Life Always Needs Some Sparkle

I have a confession. I am totally and completely in love with these awesome head bands. They are so very amazing!  My awesome friend who is a fitness guru, turned me onto them and since I trust her completely with pretty much anything, I gave them a shot! I am very pleased that I did! 

While I am only starting on my fitness journey, I have to say that these headbands are definitely a must for any athlete or fitness enthusiast. They are non-slip, no headache, no pinch headbands. They are Sparkly Soul Headbands!!!! 

Sparkly Soul: Where do you find your Sparkle? Where do you find your soul?

Directly from their website (www.sparklysoul.com):

"Sparkly Soul Headbands are no headache and no slip....yes, REALLY no headache and no slip. Our patent pending design makes certain that your headbands stay in place - no matter how intense your sports or fitness activity.

• Sparkle all around - 360° of sparkle
• 2 widths: 3/8 and 5/8
• Entire band is elastic
• One size fits all adults. Also, fits kids ages 5 and up."

I only have a few headbands myself but as I can I am building my collection. I have tried both the thin and the wide headbands, I have found with my head shape and hair type, that the thin ones work best for my hair. I have thin fine short hair. So definitely the thin works best for me, but I do love my wide ones, they work fantastically for when I am riding on the back of my hubby's Motorcycle, it holds back my bangs, so I don't have to use bobby pins that stab my scalp in my helmet.  So they are very versatile, I even wear them to work! 

My small but very sparkly collection!

Everyday needs a little Sparkly or a lot! It's up to you! Check out www.sparklysoul.com for more information! Follow them on twitter: @SPARKLYSOULINC and like their Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/sparklysoulinc

Totally in love

Kathleen Marie

The Wonders of Life

I am not the most eloquent speaker. I sometimes talk in circles. But I am very passionate.

I am one of those people who loves wholly and unconditionally, people and things alike. I forgive people as quickly as I can because I know that holding onto the pain and anger of being hurt is far worse than forgiving. They say that forgiving people is freeing yourself and I agree.  I look for the good in everyone, because everyone has good in them. I see things in a positive light because negativity takes up too much space.

There are days and times when the negativity sinks in and I have to remind myself that I don't like to be that way. I am a positive person at heart but that doesn't mean that I don't get down because things are looking very bleak. It makes me human and I have to remember that at all times. We are all humans, we all make mistakes and things get to us.

I do my best to live life to the fullest. Sometimes it doesn't always feel that way. But then I look around and see that I am. I have a wonderful husband, family and friends, and just because I don't go out to do things all the time but spend some wonderful quality time with my husband is still living life to the fullest.

I am not the most eloquent speaker. I sometimes talk in circles. But I am passionate.  Remember that life is is how you make it and then remember that you are human, with the ability to fall short in all sorts of categories.

Be blessed in all things,
Kathleen Marie

New Adventure: Life is Fun

So Our new adventure has officially started... Though it may not seem like it since we went back to see mom for her birthday and I go back to work in the office for a week this next week. So maybe after that it will be more official.

Anyway we are now in Twenty-nine Palms... The heat is killer on you for the first few days, but then your body gets used to it and wal-la; you are acclimated to it. Right now I am sitting at our dining room table with a lap blanket on and it is already 80 degrees outside. I shouldn't be cold but I am... Fun how things like that happen.

So we are living in a temporary apartment until housing opens up. When we first got here the wait was only a month but now the housing office is saying that it is a month to 2 months. That is a bummer but I know that God works miracles and my husband and I are praying and believing we get housing by the 1st of August. We know it will happen, God will open the doors, I have no doubt about it.

Right before we left on our new adventure we lived in our old apartment for 2 weeks without anything but the barest essentials. That was an adventure in itself. Life is fun.

Always remember that God will work in your life for the better. God is always on TIME, Not our time but His, which is perfect. He will open the Doors to put you where you need to be.

God is Great! Kathleen Marie

In the days to come

Ah the Military wife life. Yes, I am a proud Marine wife. No, that does not define who I am.

So last week my husband got new orders to go to Twenty-nine palms. YUCK! I am coping with it the best I can. I can tell you it's gonna suck but I am going to make it the best. It's a new adventure for us. 

So a little over 5 months from now I will make the trek to the middle of the desert. What a lovely place. It will be the first time I am truly away from my family. I am very close to my mom and brother (All my family as well but they are the closest) and I only live ten minutes away. Well now I will live 2ish hours away from them. It is totally better than living across the country from them but still a bummer. That is going to be the biggest adjustment. The relationship that I have with my mom is very strong.

I have to leave the job I have worked at for three years when I finally leave. I love my job, not many ordinary people would have gotten the opportunities I received with taking this job. I worked on a movie set, I met Michael Madsen (Reservoir Dogs, anyone?). I also got to meet his son. My job has been a great blessing for me and my family. I love all my co-workers. Though luckily for me, my boss is going to let me work part time from home while in Twenty-nine Palms. Ah such a blessing, so not fully leaving but it won't be the same.

Though this is a big adjustment, I know that God has a plan for my life and He knows what he is doing so I have no doubt that this adventure is going to be an awesome one. God works in our lives, whether it is in big ways or small ways, He is working in it to make it the best. This adventure will allow me focus on my husband and myself and growing our marriage to be the best that it can be. We will see how God works in our lives when the time comes...

Blessings,
Kathleen Marie!

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Time Flies

It's not often that I take the time to reflect on the past, as the present, is what I like to focus on. The here and now, not the been there done that. 

Occasionally I will sit back and take a look at my life, to get things in perspective. The past is the past and that is where is should stay no doubt, but don't forget that the past is also where our memories are. I like to think back to the good times; reminisce over some of the greatest times in life, I never look back to bad times unless it is to see if I have grown from that experience. Never hold on to the negatives, they won't get you far. 

Remember that time does fly and take the time to enjoy each and every moment of the present because tomorrow they will be the past. 

Living For Today, 

Kathleen Marie

Life Gets Busy

As the days go by, I realize more and more that things get missed because you get so busy focusing on something else. Not that what your focusing on is less important than the things that are getting missed. 

I know that because of work and everyday life in general, I over look things all the time. 

My friends for instance. I don't always make time to hang out with them. After a long week at work I just want to relax and spend some time with my love. So I miss the time I could be spending with friends because I get so busy focusing on the relaxing part or getting my time with my future husband. Right now we are taking time away from all the other obligations we have on weekends, for him his rides with the club every Saturday, for me, nothing really big, just everyday things, laundry, house work. family time, So we can finish our wedding plans. So time to get away to spend with friends is a little difficult.

But I see where I over look my time with my friends. Not that I have a lot that I really enjoy hanging out with, but I do have a few that I really enjoy being around. 

If life gets to busy just remember to drop a line and let people know that you still think about them. Even if you don't have a whole day to spend with them. Taking a few minutes to talk to them will probably mean the world to them until you do have the time.

Always, 
Kathleen Marie

Healthy Friends means Healthier Lifestyle

Are you someone who has a million friends? Do you pride yourself for having hundreds of friends on Facebook? Do you actually know all those people? Like Really know them, taken time to spend time with them? Didn't just meet once and now you're "best Friends"? Now you share every little detail with them and can't figure out why certain things keep happening to you?

Been there done that. I got so hurt from it. Now I don't have many friends, I have more of "friends" than close friends. I have a few that I would consider very close friends. I have let my guard down one to many times and have been hurt time and time again. I have realized that there are certain people you can share your life with and  they will stab you in the back and in the heart with no second thought. So I have learned to keep people at a distance until they show me, they are trust worthy and deserve to Know all of me. 

So my advice: is keep your circle of friends very small. The More friends you have the harder it is to see the true ones. I have a very select few of friends I share everything with. All my other friends, only know what I want them to know. You will never keep track of the ones who turn around and talk smack; if you have too many people you open up to. So Pick the right people to Open up to and let in. You will know the minute you do, whether it is the right person or not.

We may be blessed with having people who care about us, that is such an awesome feeling. But I know what it is like to have someone care for you and then turn around and break your heart because they honestly didn't care as mush as you thought they did. There is a place in your heart for Friends and then there are places for Acquaintances. Differentiating between may be a hard and hurtful process but in the end it will be for the best. You will know who will truly be there for you when things get rough and those who say they will be really aren't. I have a few "friends" that are like that. Been hurt by them too many times to even count. 

So take a look at your friends and find the best Friends you will let in. Then look at the rest and reclassify them, because I am sure you will realize you rather have no friends then be "Friends" with the ones that continually hurt you. 

By hurting I don't always mean, physically hurt you, or they just talk trash behind your back. I also mean the ones they say little digs to hurt you. Or build you up just to tear you down, because they don't want you to be better than them in any way. We all deserve the best, in life, in love, and in friends. 

Never let anyone make you feel less than what you are truly worth. God made you Perfectly. You may make mistakes, but get up and learn from them. It will make you better in the long run. Just know you are Perfect in God's Eyes. And that's all that truly matters. Even if someone tries to tear you down just know that God loves you more than you know. And your friends will be the true tail to that. They will lift you up when times are rough and keep building you up and be there right there when you need them. 

You'll see the result when you have only positivity around you. You need to be will people who bless you and lift you up so you can lift others up when they are down.

Kathleen Marie

We All Have Those Days

Ever Feel like you just don't want to do anything? OR have those days where you are pumped for the day and excited to get things done and then half way through your excitement and motivation, you Crash?

Don't Lie, you know you do! Everyone has them, some people hide it better than others and some people work right through it and get that excitement and motivation back. And then there are the ones that let it over take them and they just can't find the will to fight back. Well I am gonna tell you a few of my tricks on how to change that. I know that everyone is different. I know that one thing may work for me and not you. But what if I told you that we can find something and get you pumped for life as well.

Here is how we are gonna change that!

Think about what makes you Happy?
For me this is my Fiance! Now if what makes you happy isn't a person that is okay, it can be anything, but it needs to be something that makes you happy everyday. Whether it be your kids, your parents, your friends, even your dog. Whatever it is, focus on what it is about them that makes you happy. Thinking of that one thing should have a smile on your face already as you sit and ponder these words. I know I'm smiling at the mere mention of my Fiance.

What is your favorite song?
What song makes you wanna get up and Go? Makes you wanna dance and Jam?! Play it! On your Ipod, Mp3 player, the stereo, on Youtube! Put it on repeat! Until you are pumped and ready! Same for if you have a lull in your day that you can't quite push yourself through, this will help break that point and get you going again.

Talk to someone!
Still aren't feeling up to par? Not ready to get a move on. Talk to someone who always puts things in perspective for you. OR Someone who is willing to help you. Tell them what is putting you in the funk, if you can't figure it out on your own, maybe this person will ask the right questions to get you to see where the problem lies. Always go to someone that will lift you up and Keep you there. Watch out for the ones you lift you up and then tear you down. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer, We want someone who will give you the lift you need!

Take a reflective look in the mirror.
Tell yourself you are excited about the day! You are the only Person who can keep yourself Positive at all times! If someone brings you down you need to be able to pick yourself up. If you can't do that, then look in the mirror and tell yourself all the Positive things that you need to hear from someone else; because 10 times out of 10 you really need to hear them from yourself. Be accountable for your thinking. (I have written in eyeliner on my Mirror "I am Beautiful" Because there are days when I don't feel that way. I need to be held accountable for my thinking. Seeing it puts me on the right track to believing I am Beautiful) If you are thinking positively then you will be able to pick yourself up, and you will be proud knowing you did it all by yourself. Seek self happiness rather than seeking to make other people happy. Life will be more enjoyable that way. 

Go For a Walk
When I am in a funk, I have found that putting in the head phones and blasting my music and taking a walk really helps clear my head of all the things that could possibly blocking me. Not only are you outside enjoying the fresh air and scenery but it is something you can control. You can go as far as you want. Take that time to see the beauty in life. I guarantee you, that by the time you get home you will be ready to conquer the day.

As I said before these are things that work for some. Take one and see if it works, if doesn't move on to the next on and so on. Modify it until you have found the thing that will take you out of the funk that you are in.

Katie